The Courage to be Myself

The Courage to be Myself
I have the courage to...
Embrace my strengths
Get excited about life
Enjoy giving and receiving love
Face and transform my fears
Ask for help and support when I need it
Spring free of the Superwoman trap
Trust myself
Make my own decisions and choices
Befriend myself
Complete unfinished business
Realize that I have emotional and practical rights
Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants
Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal
Honor my own needs
Give myself credit for my accomplishments
Love the little girl within me
Overcome my addiction to approval
Grant myself permission to play
Quit being a responsibility sponge
Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately
Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to
Choose what is right for me
Insist on being paid fairly for what I do
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them
Say "yes" only when I really mean it
Have realistic expectations
Take risks and accept change
Grow through challenges
Be totally honest with myself
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions
Respect my vulnerabilities
Heal old and current wounds
Favor the mystery of Spirit
Wave good-bye to guilt
Plant "flower," not "weed" thoughts in my mind
Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same
Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow
Own my own excellence
Plan for the future but live in the present
Value my intuition and wisdom
Know that I am lovable
Celebrate the differences between men and women
Develop healthy, supportive relationships
Make forgiveness a priority
Accept myself just as I am now

Taken from a poster in my old room at my dad's by sue patton thoele

Foodie Inspired!

(Pre-Clean Eating Plate)
I’ve been thinking about going to culinary school for quite sometime now however, I’m on the last leg of receiving my Masters in Industrial Organizational Psychology. I recently found a website that links all food bloggers together and boy did it inspire me! I don’t necessarily HAVE to go to culinary school to be a cook. I admit I have this subconscious tickler that likes to strike experiences off the list though.

I’ve learned years ago, how relaxing cooking makes me and I even attributed LOVE to me WANTING to share my food with another person. During my stint in Asia, when I traveled I collected recipes and cooking techniques instead of the typical souvenir. It was beautiful and delicious! I think last year, I started withholding that I COULD cook to men I dated until I felt they deserved to know that piece of info. Why would I do this? Well, I found that men would stick around much longer for the homecooked meal (compliments to the chef but what about the women, I digress).

Growing up, I had an aversion to cooking maybe because my stepmom always linked MARRIAGE to it. The feminist in me was not feeling that idea at ALL however, this feminist learned to cook for HERSELF. I realized she LOVED it!!!

Today, I spent an hour chopping up veggies and bagging them for easy assess. I am salivating at the thought of making Panang curry tomorrow over a bed of brown rice. As a foodie, I am also working on being a clean eater so it challenges me to re-think the things I swoon over and figure out how to make them clean. I would like to be more creative and adventurous as a cook so I have some ways to stretch my culinary skills.

What is your favorite food?

The State of Matrimony

Throughout my life, I have had a few differing ideals to marriage. Before, I address them I would like let the record show what I saw in my life of relationships.

My parents were married because it was the RIGHT thing to do since my mom had gotten pregnant. They didn't last long cause I don't have a memory of them ever being together. My dad remarried while my mom married and divorced. My paternal grandparents have been married forever and a day and my maternal grandmother has been married twice.

I grew up seeing people love real hard or holding back and not being successful. I only dreamed of the wedding because all the other girls were doing it. I talked about the man I would marry, how many kids we would have and where/how we would live yet it never resonated deep in my soul as a necessity for my happiness.

I secretly felt that marriage was a type of bondage that stole from people. I remember watching women's wrestling before I realized it was fake and being fascinated by the power thus saying I would marry a weak man who I could jack-up against the wall and make him do as I say. (Yes, I was kinda crazy...lol) After her second marriage, my mom confirmed my secret feeling by telling me that in love/marriage you lose a part of yourself. So, I didn't really want a weak man I just knew I would have to fight to be and keep ME.

I questioned my femininity because I didn't feel like the girls did about marriage so in my militant self-defined feminism I resorted to saying I would only get married if I could have both a husband AND a wife. Although, I could never truly imagine being married to a woman...too emotionally needy for me (I'm the only one allowed to be overly emotional in relationship).

I've never really imagined a wedding, a dress or even the cake. I think about being embarrassed about kissing and showing all that affection in public even among intimate company. I have avoided being in weddings by opting to be the Mistress of Ceremony ensuring their dream is fulfilled.

Sadly, I've seen how things change once people marry and even how cheating continues. So, what's the point in getting married? This confuses me deeply. I'm the type who struggles with moving forward if I'm perplexed by a step in the process.

I totally understand people when they say they are single until they say "I do" too bad, even some married folks think they still are. I'm a loyalist so even though there is no ring on his hand, I won't give him the time of the day if I know he is in a exclusive dating relationship (despite it ALL I'm a major romantic and I love love).

Could I marry for benefits? I'd consider but there are so many other things to factor in. Would I marry to help someone become an American? I had this proposed to me once but again the factors.

Ultimately, I don't think marriage is for everyone however, society puts pressure on people to do so instead of just living their lives in a love that works for them. I would be fine with a life partner that believed in a lifelong commitment without succumbing to the traditions of marriage just because. We would do it because we felt deeply affected by NOT doing it and believed we wouldn't take pieces of self from each other.
Grow and evolve with me for the betterment of all,

V.

Being a Professional Student

Last year in June, I began pursuing my Masters in Industrial Organizational Psychology with an online program through the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. I was nervous since I had been out of school for twelve years but felt that if I waited another year I wouldn't return even though I didn't feel that online studies would work for me.

My first few weeks, I was a bit confused not by the material but by my resistance to the entire experience. One, I felt like I was in solitary confinement with sensory deprivation. I wasn't hearing, feeling anything through the vast amount of reading that I had paddle through. I love to read but not everything. Second, the first couple of class yielded very little instructor participation so to me it was the blind leading the blind. I didn't like this concept at all and made me question what my tuition was paying for. Third, I've never been the type to feel it necessary to speak because however, the graded discussions require you and all your classmates to answer the same question and then reply to atleast one to three with significant contributions to the thread. I understand the idea but honestly, I lose most of my points because I hate being redundant, searching for something significant to add and speaking for grade sake. Lastly, the material makes some sense but not enough to ease my nerves since I've never worked in the field so my applied lesson always seem very bare-bones compared to my colleagues (yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others).

I've taken loads of assessments from MBTI, DISc to 360 Feedback and have learn much about myself however, I think the exceleration of the program along with life prohibits me from internalizing the information.

I'm pushing through school as best I can (Class 2011), thankful that I don't have kids to add to my mental obligations. I hope it will all make sense one day though but I've always wanted a Masters in this field so I'm in it to win it. Working full time adds an additional dimension to going to school.

What would I do with the degree? Well, my dream job is to be a dream maker and help other reach their goals yet I would love to work a few years at the Center for Creative Leadership since leadership and organizational effectiveness is my specialization.

The Problem with Positivity

The law of attraction aka the secret stays in the forefront of my mind as I watch and listen to people talk about what it has done for them. I have a pal who had a man whisper to her he knew the "secret" and it sent her on a uplifting journey in her life. She is truly doing the damn thang! I'm proud of her for living the secret and like that she keeps it real.

I use to have another pal who I met when I first moved to New York. We met at the library in a career workshop and the thing that bugged me about her the most was how positive she was. I just that the extreme of it was surreal and she had to be overcompensating for something. I let her go because I saw her truth and my gut was right.

The problem with positivity is that any other emotion becomes a weakness in the eye of the beholder. Honestly, I don't believe a person can be positive all day everyday yet in my quest for personal emotional balance, I seek happiness. In that world, I am positive but I'm also vulnerable enough to show ALL of myself.

The problem with positivity is the state of perfection it puts on a person. I typically get down on myself about things and as I've been told before "We have enough critics to not be our cheerleader." Even they aren't perfect but they look good trying. They fall from the top of a pyramid, cry a bit and then try again with either trust or trepidation.

The problem with positivity is negativity. You must not think or even worse speak about the cons instead live in Pollyanna's world. This wrong, I guess as a Libra I believe is weighing my options, the good and bad before I jump into a situation. For some, they would say I lack faith and I would reply "blind faith" is how Jim Jones got hundreds of people to move away from their families and drink the kool-aid. Others will say, to obsess on life's cons is to plant retarded seeds into the universe.

Maybe, but a balance must be struck between positivity and being authentic. People shouldn't appear hyprocritical for stating the facts on a situation that is not in the best interest the individual OR even feeling anything but positive in this moment. Sadly, unless I'm missing the silver lining, its not there.

Is there a place for negative feelings in the world of positivity?

Glistening,

Vicx

She's RAW & CLEAN

I have always leaned more towards the healthy spectrum of eating however, you would never know this by looking at me.

Sugar is my drug of choice and my thighs suffer because of it. My mom use to say, "You'd lose those thighs if you let Lil' Debbie go," needless to say my love affair with her has survived the test of time.

One of my favorite books is "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair and it addresses the meat packing industry. I became a vegetarian for a couple of years.

Currently, my dietary goal is to be a Raw and Clean Eating. I have been learning more about being a raw foodist and have embarked on sprouting pumpkin seeds (stinky and bitter)and quinoa, fermenting wheat berries to make rejuvelac (can't wait to start flavoring it) and marinating collard greens and mixed veggies. I aspire to be a healthy eater however, I find myself slipping and knowing what my goal is I haven't gone 100% raw but I've been doing 2 raw meals a day and 1 cooked.

It has been made official that I am lactose intolerant, it was interesting to feel how immediate my body reacted to diary (nutmilk here I come) and I have burped everyday since I've been eating this way which is not typical for me. Not sure what that is all about.

Eating clean is often what bodybuilders refer to when they are training. Its eliminating processed foods and artificial additives and preservatives from the diet. Lean meat is suitable and is typically eaten with a carb or vegetable. Basically you are feeding the muscles, amping up the metabolism and starving the fat with several small meals a day. Herbs and spices can be used to season the food.

I suspect our ancestors were Raw & Clean so let's take it back!

Checking Your Connections

I have been thinking about connections a lot lately especially as it relates to friendship. I've learned in the past ten years that people don't allow themselves to connect nearly as much as they could with others. We are constantly analyzing the situation to fast forward it to where we think it is really going but unfortunately connecting is something we can't force.

Many people miss out on this amazing life altering event simply because they are afraid. Afraid of being hurt, betrayed, used, loved, etc. Along with the fear comes to confusion of what the connection really is. I will admit I've connected with people and immediately assumed it was an intimate one, because it felt so GOOD, instead I jumped the gun and neglected to lay the foundation in a friendship. Unfortunately, jumping the gun takes kismet out of the equation and severs the connection before its truly rooted within.

I've never been the type to have loads of friends but I have a handful of people who no matter the amount of time passed we seem to always pick up where we left off. Deep inside I feel like we are only treading the surface of the connection but I know my resistance to devulge my inner being keeps us there but because they are my friends they wait patiently.

Friendship should be enriching, nurturing and boundless connections so what is the majority of my relationships called because I rarely feel good in them. Some people I feel connected to but its crystal clear that the feeling isn't mutual. Why would I say this? Well, its based on how they make me feel and my inability to be myself unapologetically. I feel that I am just a placeholder, a gag gift, a cesspool for their perverse thoughts, an afterthought. It makes me question how I treat people because I am only a reflection of the people in my life. Am I taking people for granted, not calling, cancelling at the last minute time and time again, not telling them how much they mean to me?

I don't feel as though I've genuinely connected with another in a while and that scares and makes me sad.

When was the last time you really connected with someone?

Spirituality Quotes

Just when I found out the meaning of life, they changed it. - George Carlin

Science cannot solve the ultimate mystery of Nature. And it is because in the last analysis we ourselves are part of the mystery we are trying to solve. - Max Planck, Nobel Laureate and Father of Quantum Physics

Do not be idolatrous or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology. All systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth. - Vietnamese Zen Monk Thich Nhat Hanh

The purpose of the spiritual life is to be happy...The reason why men seeks for happiness is not because happiness is his own being; therefore, in seeking for happiness, man is seeking for himself. - Sufi Master Hazrat Inayat Khan

Lest ye become as little children, ye shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. - Jesus

Happy Sunday,

ME

What is Spirituality?

In the last post I mentioned I was reading "The Seeker's Guide" by Elizabeth Lesser. I was introduced to this book through Raw Foodist, Kevin Gianni who mentioned in the foreword or intro of his book "High Raw" that this book changed how he lived his life. (One of the great things about reading is how jewels are sprinkled inside as possible influential landmarks in our lives.)

She asks "What is Spirituality?" and then explains that after surveying and interviewing 200 spiritual leaders it was apparent that there is no right answer.

Spirituality is NOT the same as religion. I've said it for years that I'm not religious however, I don't think I've ever truly defined what being spiritual meant for me. I had an idea of what the vision looked and felt like but never really invited spirituality in my life with a definite intent.

According to Lesser, defining this idea/tenet for oneself is the first step in the journey of life's great adventure. So, I begin by forgetting everything I think I know about anything, becoming comfortable with the unknown and displaying fearlessness as I embrace a "beginner's mind" which is similar to that of a young child's optimistic, wide open nature of questioning.

This will be uncomfortable for me but I can only imagine the sense of relief it will bring my mind, body and spirit to NOT fear the unknown and be okay with not knowing.

Buddhists use the word "shamatha" to define spirituality which means "tranquil abiding". One of the values in my life is Happiness and it always seems that the key to this is within my definition of spirituality.

My heart is so heavy thus in this state of being happy with a light heart seems impossible however, there are things I have to do so that I can relax such as letting go of the thought of perfection since this is NOT reality and admitting I don't know something.

Returning to the idea of the "Beginner's mind", as coined by Zen Master Shunryu Suzuki, is about "discovering the essence of our humanness" in other words our true nature and an attitude of divine possibilities.

While I continue to consider my definition of spirituality, I do know that it involves happiness, living gleefully in the present, balancing the mind, body, heart and spirit.

What is spirituality to you?

[Quotes to follow]

*Lesser, E. (1999). "The Seeker's Guide: Making Your Life A Spiritual Adventure." Villard: New York

Breaking It Down

I have been experiencing loads of blocks and decided that this is probably because I over complicate things thus adding more to my mental reducing any chance to have a clear mind. I'm going to start HERE, today because I have like 50 blog pages for various aspects of myself however TODAY I have making a merge. If I feel like posting a story, my academic experience, my spiritual journey, etc...its all me at the end of the day paddling through the murky water of life.

Update on my "currentlies" :

Reading: The Seeker's Guide by Elizabeth Lesser
Eating: Raw and Clean
Loving: ME
Drinking: Water and Rejuvelac
Wearing: Size "shut your mouth"
Hair-Style: Kinky Twists
Thinking: About my present and future
Feeling: Pensive
Studying: IO Psychology, Leadership, Spirituality, Moon Phases
Writing: Master ARP (Applied Research Project)...more on that later

Loving,
ME

The Dream

Quite often I don't remember my dreams but I woke with a crazy name and scenario from it.
I had moved into a place and then immediately had guests. My cousin D shows up with her boyfriend who flipped from being a basketball player to a football player. One day, I came home and saw them going thru a big box of board games so we started playing one on the floor it had red with 100 and green ? coins embedded on them and some cards to read. There was someone who I knew but didn't really like maybe she was a roommate trying to be friendly but because I was out a lot, my cousin and her became close. Mind you I had just moved so I hadn't picked a room so one day I was walking thru the place like wow, this is a nice bathroom but which room is mine since they were both occupied so I started cleaning. Pulled out 4 socks, 3 matched with pink trim and one was mismatched. Put 2 that matched on and started spraying the first room with some liquid but before I could begin the roommate came in and offered to help so I gave her the sock and she started wiping all the surfaces down, all the while talking about wanting to read a book I had or wrote "young lovers or lovers and sins" I walked out of the room saying my cousin was reading it. Was on my way to the living room to sweep the floor which was carpet because my subconscious didn't even think about a vacuum.

Jean-gac was the name that came into my head before I woke up. Not sure why!