The Thirst

It started out innocently enough, until my craving turned insatiable. Walking down the street has become torturous as I see potential preys within an arms length away. There was a time when this need was given to me daily and often, like a baby having regular feedings and then in a blink of an eye it was rationed out.

Every day I go without, I feel less pliable, I am changing.

I walk pass a group of kids with my hands stuffed in my pockets, they stop and stare as their ball rolls in my direction. I slow down, this is my chance. I look around and wonder if they can see that I am thirsty. The hairs on my arm stand at attention as the youngest child moves closer. My heart beat skips and the street sounds dissipates into a frantic, high speed drumming in my ears. I pull my hands out of my pocket and can no longer see straight as I bend down searching.

A soft breeze hits my face when the youngest grabs the ball and steps back mumbling “Sorry”. The blood drains from my face and my vision clears up to the reality. I stand up, run my hands over my mouth and quickly stuff them back in my pockets as I scurry away.

Each missed opportunity, I become a stone gargoyle guarding the entrance of all things soft and light.

I stare at my computer screen which is full of pictures of prospects. I could ask someone out on a date, something simple like coffee at Starbucks cause dudes are so cheap these days. I replied to one who looked interesting enough and waited for his reply. I swear I never get a word in edge wise and have long given up thinking these calls were about me.

This house needs some heat cause my heart is becoming an icebox.

As I sat over my second cup of chai it’s evident that dude peeked in and decided to stand me up. Fucker! He doesn’t know how lucky he is. I stand up and robotically walk towards the door when in walks an old colleague who I hadn’t seen in ages. She catches me off guard and hugs me tight.

I become soft as play dough, her touch was like a cold glass of water in the hot sun. I felt every atom in my body sigh in relief. My skin was hungry for touch and I am satiated for now.

Perfect Peace by Daniel Black

The story was set in a small town in Arkansas in the 1950s. A mother's yearning for a daughter causes her to do the unthinkable after giving birth to her seventh son. She decides to raise the son as a girl, who she names Perfect. The Peace family is special and gifted yet the times force them to work hard and walk the straight and narrow until they can't any longer. The emotions this books evokes and the depth of the characters make it surprisingly believable.

My heart went out to Perfect when the truth was revealed because of how raw and harsh it was. I couldn't even begin to imagine how confusing it was to find out who you thought you were was nothing but a lie. And most of all, for everyone to know because all the ribbons, dresses and frills have been stripped away. Perfect went from being loved and adored and treated special to being ridiculed, talked about and treated as if he was a freak. No longer perfect, now he must navigate through gender issues, sexuality, and societal values to become the man he was born to be.

Emma Jean, the mother, had her own demons that she dealt with as a woman and it reflected on her relationship with her husband, Gus and her children. She truly felt that having a daughter would give her a chance to prove her worth as well as allow her to relive a childhood she didn't have. Overall, she was a miserable woman who never grew up or let go of her past pains to see the pains she caused to those who loved her the most.

The writing technique mostly focused on the present moment yet, there were a few times when dealing with the brothers that the author gave an overview of how/where their life proceeds once they leave the house, almost as a rites of passage since they were no longer "main" characters, even though they remained within the present storyline just not as prominent. Interesting technique!

Back at it...

No point in attempting to get caught up. Much has happened yet this is normal in my book of life.

I have been contemplating what happiness means to me and focusing on making moves towards living a life that honors this moment for moment. In this pursuit to live my best life, I realize that I also have to learn what makes me tick and allow myself to jump off the edge so I can truly fly.

I do know that I have to work on how I feel about how others feel about me. I am not perfect but I enjoy being and doing me without explanation. Deep down it pains me when I have to explain my behavior or decisions.

I plan on writing a few letters to people today. I figure as much as I LOVE mail someone else has to love it as well. Plus I need to reach out more and maintain the few relationship I have.

The Courage to be Myself

The Courage to be Myself
I have the courage to...
Embrace my strengths
Get excited about life
Enjoy giving and receiving love
Face and transform my fears
Ask for help and support when I need it
Spring free of the Superwoman trap
Trust myself
Make my own decisions and choices
Befriend myself
Complete unfinished business
Realize that I have emotional and practical rights
Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants
Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal
Honor my own needs
Give myself credit for my accomplishments
Love the little girl within me
Overcome my addiction to approval
Grant myself permission to play
Quit being a responsibility sponge
Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately
Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to
Choose what is right for me
Insist on being paid fairly for what I do
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them
Say "yes" only when I really mean it
Have realistic expectations
Take risks and accept change
Grow through challenges
Be totally honest with myself
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions
Respect my vulnerabilities
Heal old and current wounds
Favor the mystery of Spirit
Wave good-bye to guilt
Plant "flower," not "weed" thoughts in my mind
Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same
Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow
Own my own excellence
Plan for the future but live in the present
Value my intuition and wisdom
Know that I am lovable
Celebrate the differences between men and women
Develop healthy, supportive relationships
Make forgiveness a priority
Accept myself just as I am now

Taken from a poster in my old room at my dad's by sue patton thoele

Foodie Inspired!

(Pre-Clean Eating Plate)
I’ve been thinking about going to culinary school for quite sometime now however, I’m on the last leg of receiving my Masters in Industrial Organizational Psychology. I recently found a website that links all food bloggers together and boy did it inspire me! I don’t necessarily HAVE to go to culinary school to be a cook. I admit I have this subconscious tickler that likes to strike experiences off the list though.

I’ve learned years ago, how relaxing cooking makes me and I even attributed LOVE to me WANTING to share my food with another person. During my stint in Asia, when I traveled I collected recipes and cooking techniques instead of the typical souvenir. It was beautiful and delicious! I think last year, I started withholding that I COULD cook to men I dated until I felt they deserved to know that piece of info. Why would I do this? Well, I found that men would stick around much longer for the homecooked meal (compliments to the chef but what about the women, I digress).

Growing up, I had an aversion to cooking maybe because my stepmom always linked MARRIAGE to it. The feminist in me was not feeling that idea at ALL however, this feminist learned to cook for HERSELF. I realized she LOVED it!!!

Today, I spent an hour chopping up veggies and bagging them for easy assess. I am salivating at the thought of making Panang curry tomorrow over a bed of brown rice. As a foodie, I am also working on being a clean eater so it challenges me to re-think the things I swoon over and figure out how to make them clean. I would like to be more creative and adventurous as a cook so I have some ways to stretch my culinary skills.

What is your favorite food?

The State of Matrimony

Throughout my life, I have had a few differing ideals to marriage. Before, I address them I would like let the record show what I saw in my life of relationships.

My parents were married because it was the RIGHT thing to do since my mom had gotten pregnant. They didn't last long cause I don't have a memory of them ever being together. My dad remarried while my mom married and divorced. My paternal grandparents have been married forever and a day and my maternal grandmother has been married twice.

I grew up seeing people love real hard or holding back and not being successful. I only dreamed of the wedding because all the other girls were doing it. I talked about the man I would marry, how many kids we would have and where/how we would live yet it never resonated deep in my soul as a necessity for my happiness.

I secretly felt that marriage was a type of bondage that stole from people. I remember watching women's wrestling before I realized it was fake and being fascinated by the power thus saying I would marry a weak man who I could jack-up against the wall and make him do as I say. (Yes, I was kinda crazy...lol) After her second marriage, my mom confirmed my secret feeling by telling me that in love/marriage you lose a part of yourself. So, I didn't really want a weak man I just knew I would have to fight to be and keep ME.

I questioned my femininity because I didn't feel like the girls did about marriage so in my militant self-defined feminism I resorted to saying I would only get married if I could have both a husband AND a wife. Although, I could never truly imagine being married to a woman...too emotionally needy for me (I'm the only one allowed to be overly emotional in relationship).

I've never really imagined a wedding, a dress or even the cake. I think about being embarrassed about kissing and showing all that affection in public even among intimate company. I have avoided being in weddings by opting to be the Mistress of Ceremony ensuring their dream is fulfilled.

Sadly, I've seen how things change once people marry and even how cheating continues. So, what's the point in getting married? This confuses me deeply. I'm the type who struggles with moving forward if I'm perplexed by a step in the process.

I totally understand people when they say they are single until they say "I do" too bad, even some married folks think they still are. I'm a loyalist so even though there is no ring on his hand, I won't give him the time of the day if I know he is in a exclusive dating relationship (despite it ALL I'm a major romantic and I love love).

Could I marry for benefits? I'd consider but there are so many other things to factor in. Would I marry to help someone become an American? I had this proposed to me once but again the factors.

Ultimately, I don't think marriage is for everyone however, society puts pressure on people to do so instead of just living their lives in a love that works for them. I would be fine with a life partner that believed in a lifelong commitment without succumbing to the traditions of marriage just because. We would do it because we felt deeply affected by NOT doing it and believed we wouldn't take pieces of self from each other.
Grow and evolve with me for the betterment of all,

V.

Being a Professional Student

Last year in June, I began pursuing my Masters in Industrial Organizational Psychology with an online program through the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. I was nervous since I had been out of school for twelve years but felt that if I waited another year I wouldn't return even though I didn't feel that online studies would work for me.

My first few weeks, I was a bit confused not by the material but by my resistance to the entire experience. One, I felt like I was in solitary confinement with sensory deprivation. I wasn't hearing, feeling anything through the vast amount of reading that I had paddle through. I love to read but not everything. Second, the first couple of class yielded very little instructor participation so to me it was the blind leading the blind. I didn't like this concept at all and made me question what my tuition was paying for. Third, I've never been the type to feel it necessary to speak because however, the graded discussions require you and all your classmates to answer the same question and then reply to atleast one to three with significant contributions to the thread. I understand the idea but honestly, I lose most of my points because I hate being redundant, searching for something significant to add and speaking for grade sake. Lastly, the material makes some sense but not enough to ease my nerves since I've never worked in the field so my applied lesson always seem very bare-bones compared to my colleagues (yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others).

I've taken loads of assessments from MBTI, DISc to 360 Feedback and have learn much about myself however, I think the exceleration of the program along with life prohibits me from internalizing the information.

I'm pushing through school as best I can (Class 2011), thankful that I don't have kids to add to my mental obligations. I hope it will all make sense one day though but I've always wanted a Masters in this field so I'm in it to win it. Working full time adds an additional dimension to going to school.

What would I do with the degree? Well, my dream job is to be a dream maker and help other reach their goals yet I would love to work a few years at the Center for Creative Leadership since leadership and organizational effectiveness is my specialization.

The Problem with Positivity

The law of attraction aka the secret stays in the forefront of my mind as I watch and listen to people talk about what it has done for them. I have a pal who had a man whisper to her he knew the "secret" and it sent her on a uplifting journey in her life. She is truly doing the damn thang! I'm proud of her for living the secret and like that she keeps it real.

I use to have another pal who I met when I first moved to New York. We met at the library in a career workshop and the thing that bugged me about her the most was how positive she was. I just that the extreme of it was surreal and she had to be overcompensating for something. I let her go because I saw her truth and my gut was right.

The problem with positivity is that any other emotion becomes a weakness in the eye of the beholder. Honestly, I don't believe a person can be positive all day everyday yet in my quest for personal emotional balance, I seek happiness. In that world, I am positive but I'm also vulnerable enough to show ALL of myself.

The problem with positivity is the state of perfection it puts on a person. I typically get down on myself about things and as I've been told before "We have enough critics to not be our cheerleader." Even they aren't perfect but they look good trying. They fall from the top of a pyramid, cry a bit and then try again with either trust or trepidation.

The problem with positivity is negativity. You must not think or even worse speak about the cons instead live in Pollyanna's world. This wrong, I guess as a Libra I believe is weighing my options, the good and bad before I jump into a situation. For some, they would say I lack faith and I would reply "blind faith" is how Jim Jones got hundreds of people to move away from their families and drink the kool-aid. Others will say, to obsess on life's cons is to plant retarded seeds into the universe.

Maybe, but a balance must be struck between positivity and being authentic. People shouldn't appear hyprocritical for stating the facts on a situation that is not in the best interest the individual OR even feeling anything but positive in this moment. Sadly, unless I'm missing the silver lining, its not there.

Is there a place for negative feelings in the world of positivity?

Glistening,

Vicx

She's RAW & CLEAN

I have always leaned more towards the healthy spectrum of eating however, you would never know this by looking at me.

Sugar is my drug of choice and my thighs suffer because of it. My mom use to say, "You'd lose those thighs if you let Lil' Debbie go," needless to say my love affair with her has survived the test of time.

One of my favorite books is "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair and it addresses the meat packing industry. I became a vegetarian for a couple of years.

Currently, my dietary goal is to be a Raw and Clean Eating. I have been learning more about being a raw foodist and have embarked on sprouting pumpkin seeds (stinky and bitter)and quinoa, fermenting wheat berries to make rejuvelac (can't wait to start flavoring it) and marinating collard greens and mixed veggies. I aspire to be a healthy eater however, I find myself slipping and knowing what my goal is I haven't gone 100% raw but I've been doing 2 raw meals a day and 1 cooked.

It has been made official that I am lactose intolerant, it was interesting to feel how immediate my body reacted to diary (nutmilk here I come) and I have burped everyday since I've been eating this way which is not typical for me. Not sure what that is all about.

Eating clean is often what bodybuilders refer to when they are training. Its eliminating processed foods and artificial additives and preservatives from the diet. Lean meat is suitable and is typically eaten with a carb or vegetable. Basically you are feeding the muscles, amping up the metabolism and starving the fat with several small meals a day. Herbs and spices can be used to season the food.

I suspect our ancestors were Raw & Clean so let's take it back!