Tolkien said “Not all who wander are lost”, well I use to believe I was an exception to the rule and perhaps I was, however today I’m among the lost ones. 

It has been 8 months since I’ve had a job and a month ago I hit my limit with unemployment and was unable to receive an extension. Searching for a job has been a part time job. Also dealing with my depression.  

I took on a temp job that became a test to see how much I would ensure for pennies on the dollar.  It was empowering to shut shit down when I was miserable and saw a project that was failing from the start.  I have this thing about quitting but it tends to leave me in places longer than benefits me.  My last job was 6 years of misery where in the first week I felt bamboozled yet I stayed. I thought it will get better and maybe I’m jumping the gun. Nope, I was right but failed to listen to myself and trust that something better was out there for me. 

Here I am, 8 months in of trusting and I’m so tired. I’ve sat in front of my ancestor altar and have cried buckets of tears during my prayer and meditation time. I’ve found myself driving down the street and being happy it was a stop sign or a red light because I couldn’t see through my tears.  I’m going to spend this time processing how I got here and devise a plan to get up out of here.   

I feel out of contact with my niece and before I knew it 4 months had gone by. I felt so bad to not have called her to check on her and see how she was doing.  I was honestly just so focused on myself and trying to figure out what next that I didn’t even make the effort.  Crazy thing is she does all the talking so its all about showing up and I failed.  Bonds are fragile and people have to work to maintain them.  It definitely cant be one-sided. I will say it easy to isolate when going through things but Ive now learned how important it is to remain engaged.  I know it can be hard to smile and even answer those questions people might ask. Resume a hobby, explore old ideas, play with a kid and invite a friend out on a play date. These are awesome ways to stay engaged and connected without it being serious. Seek out the fun. 

Revived with Purpose

Is blogging dead?

I don't know but the urge to write has been calling me for a while. 

This urge has outlined a whole series of fiction books and a non-fiction book around my wellness journey. 

Today I stop resisting the pull and give my thoughts a place to sow.  I will use this space to process and reflection on me reviving my love of writing and playing with words.

I will give myself grace and won't compare the old me with the present me.  They are similar yet very different. 

I know I will be sharing sneak peeks into the various characters I'm developing and explore their personal dilemmas in my at minimum weekly entries. 

Woosah!

I've spent the past 4 days responding to messages from the dating site.  I've noticed something and not sure if it's a pattern yet but of men sending me messages, the brothas will ask for a phone number after the briefest of exchanges.  I try to stay in the public space of the site until I decide whether I want to talk more privately with someone.  So far, no one has reached that point yet but there are 2 possibles granted they continue to pursue in the pool of mermaids.   

I had one who made me re-think my decision to not pay for membership on a dating site.  I had to learn how to screen shot just for this illustrated narrative.  He is in white and I'm gray. 

WTF? FOH!

Now, I want to respond to him but he is baiting me to see if I will try to change his mind. Nope, but there was a time I would have to respond with some slick shit like: 

Well, I doubt you are 1 of those men to judge because I opted not to share my phone number with you.  You remind me of 1 of those guys that sends out compliments on the street and then call a woman out of her name when she denies you.  If I'm immature then you are a hypocrite because your reaction goes against everything you wrote on your page. I didn't read it all but I know actions always speak louder than words. You showed your hand so don't bother cause you never had a chance.  Thanks for sparing me.  

Forever Young, 

v!

 

But for someone to act like him after only receiving 2 messages from is NOT the one.  Moving right along!  

 

To Pay or Not to Pay?

As I prepared to embark upon this dating journey I ran into the question, "to pay or not to pay". That is the question because there are so many dating sites, some are free whereas others have a paid subscription.  I've had the chance to try out several online sites and honestly, I have an issue with paying.

Storytime:

Years ago, when I lived in NYC and really didn't have a problem getting a date but the issue was the quality of these dates.  I was seeking a boyfriend to spend time with so I could throw my black book away.  

I joined eHarmony and paid for a 3 month subscription. I completed that long ass questionnaire and took some cute pictures that showed off all my wonderful assets and wrote an engaging profile summary about myself.  I looked through the database of matches and winked at them to show my interest.  

I was excited and logged in daily, waiting for a response and then it happened 2 months later. I received a slew of emails stating interest or disinterest but one guy wrote on actual email (mind you at this point I was ready to cancel my subscription because I wasn't getting any hits at all).  I jumped on it and chatted back and forth with the guy. One thing he was missing was a photo so every few questions I would ask for a picture and he had all type of reasons for why he had a dating site profile without a photos.  Finally, curiousity got the best of me and I sent him my phone number.  

Later that night, I heard a ding and saw a picture of Sloth from the Goonies.  BRUH!!

 

Like seriously, I'm a bit shallow (I was awful back then though but I knew it) but I was too embarrassed to say anything about the picture. He kept asking me if I received the picture and I lied and said no. Karma kicks my ass daily for this. LOL 

I ended up canceling my subscription especially when I saw the commercial about Free weekend. This was the reason I got so much email at one time.  I felt that it was a bit misleading kinda like speed dating.  The pool of women is deep but there are only a handful of men jumping in.  

Story over. 

Now, because of this experiment I signed up for Match.com and within a few hours I had a couple emails and likes but I have to pay to read them.  I must have missed the fine print on that. I simmered over it for a bit and decided Free is for me.  I know that's the road of less resistance but all I could think about is me paying and it's Sloth and the Gremlins after midnight. 

I went with OkCupid because I had never really given the guys a chance there and there is a study saying Black women gets no love there.  I left all the doors open to increase my odds.  

Stay tuned to hear about my first weekend on the dating site. 

Project Computer Love 2015

Since I've moved to Dallas 3 years ago, I haven't gone on a single date!

I've been in the online connection game since 1994/1995.  Hell, 1 of my best friends I meet navigating through chat communities and discussion boards as well as an unrequited love.  I'm not shy when it comes to meeting strangers because I've made some great friends and love through the experience.  It seems back then the landscape was less about the catfish but acknowledging commonalities with a genuine willingness to connect in real life with others.  There is an willingness and openness that is necessary for this to work.

It seems that as accessibility to technology (especially cell phones) increased and the communities became saturated, the motive to connect shifted and sped up.  I mean don't get me wrong,  there have always been those who trolled for sex but the once "ASL" and scheduled online dates have progressed to a quick "hi" and a compliment followed immediately by a request or delivery of a phone number to text instead because "I'm not online like that".

I found an article that called this:

"Fast love - Within one or two communications, they profess strong feelings, including love, and encourage you to move off of a dating site. Con artists’ prefer to communicate by text or telephone, instead of leaving their trail online." 

I don't know if they are con artists per se but it makes me feel some kind of way when I have to slow the encounter down.  For one, my phone number is an extension of my personal, intimate space, right?! I then think about how back in the days, I use to give out my number in the club BUT even then some got a fake number.  Secondly, people feel like you have to respond immediately when they text you, right?! This created unnecessary drama because I'm definitely not someone who has my phone with me at all times. Lastly, we are at ease with texting to the point that I recall looking up and had been texting a guy for months and had never hear his voice unless I requested it.  Ultimately, giving out the phone number early is a catch 22 because if you are interested you want to connect but for many the buck stops there. No longer are people seeking penpals but text buddies is the rave.  No thanks, I don't have unlimited text messaging but I do accept phone calls when I'm free.

In the past 4 years, I've been on countless dating sites and social media sites and it seems the more others become comfortable with this idea of socializing remotely, the less I want to partake in it.  It use to be such a relaxing place, especially for an introvert, to interact with others and get to know them before even deciding to take it to the next level and meet.  Today's hyper-speed "connecting" has muddled the landscape of relationships and where it seems everyone is running to the clearing, I'm seeking for a forest to go off the grid in.

This winter I actually deleted all my dating site accounts.  Funny thing is my friend, the 1 mentioned as a best friend who I met online, decided to create a profile for me on Plenty of Fish (pof) to get me a date.  I let her vet the guys and send over who she felt would be a good match.  Many of the guys, who she felt would be a good match I had previous interaction with and they all became Franklin Swift and re-enacted "Disappearing Acts" again.  Again, these guys got caught in the texting matrix and aren't even thinking about asking me out on a date.  FOH!

After talking to a online buddy about the woes of dating (or lack thereof), we decided to do try one more time.  This my last at bat and I'm swinging for the fence before I retire my jersey and disappear completely.  I will be documenting this throughout Spring of 2015 to also get back into writing regularly.

I look forward to sharing with you my type, have selected my site of choice and a host of other things during this journey for Computer Love to Real Love.

Scared

This page always surprises me especially since I'm currently scared shitless to write. 

So much to unpack but just lost in the words.

I will keep trying though.

Thanks,

v.

Being Victorious - Episode 2

Vlog Challenge of the Week 1. Do ONE thing you have always wanted to do but have been afraid. I'm going to try to make a sangria and lasagna. Feel free to send recipes :)! 2. Read Audre Lorde's "A Litany of Survival" below: For those of us who live at the shoreline standing upon the constant edges of decision crucial and alone for those of us who cannot indulge the passing dreams of choice who love in doorways coming and going in the hours between dawns looking inward and outward at once before and after seeking a now that can breed futures like bread in our children's mouths so their dreams will not reflect the death of ours: For those of us who were imprinted with fear like a faint line in the center of our foreheads learning to be afraid with our mother's milk for by this weapon this illusion of some safety to be found the heavy-footed hoped to silence us For all of us this instant and this triumph We were never meant to survive. And when the sun rises we are afraid it might not remain when the sun sets we are afraid it might not rise in the morning when our stomachs are full we are afraid of indigestion when our stomachs are empty we are afraid we may never eat again when we are loved we are afraid love will vanish when we are alone we are afraid love will never return and when we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard nor welcomed but when we are silent we are still afraid So it is better to speak remembering we were never meant to survive - Audre Lorde, The Black Unicorn Extra: Here is a good video from bell hooks on Voice. Do it afraid, V