Tolkien said “Not all who wander are lost”, well I use to believe I was an exception to the rule and perhaps I was, however today I’m among the lost ones. 

It has been 8 months since I’ve had a job and a month ago I hit my limit with unemployment and was unable to receive an extension. Searching for a job has been a part time job. Also dealing with my depression.  

I took on a temp job that became a test to see how much I would ensure for pennies on the dollar.  It was empowering to shut shit down when I was miserable and saw a project that was failing from the start.  I have this thing about quitting but it tends to leave me in places longer than benefits me.  My last job was 6 years of misery where in the first week I felt bamboozled yet I stayed. I thought it will get better and maybe I’m jumping the gun. Nope, I was right but failed to listen to myself and trust that something better was out there for me. 

Here I am, 8 months in of trusting and I’m so tired. I’ve sat in front of my ancestor altar and have cried buckets of tears during my prayer and meditation time. I’ve found myself driving down the street and being happy it was a stop sign or a red light because I couldn’t see through my tears.  I’m going to spend this time processing how I got here and devise a plan to get up out of here.   

I feel out of contact with my niece and before I knew it 4 months had gone by. I felt so bad to not have called her to check on her and see how she was doing.  I was honestly just so focused on myself and trying to figure out what next that I didn’t even make the effort.  Crazy thing is she does all the talking so its all about showing up and I failed.  Bonds are fragile and people have to work to maintain them.  It definitely cant be one-sided. I will say it easy to isolate when going through things but Ive now learned how important it is to remain engaged.  I know it can be hard to smile and even answer those questions people might ask. Resume a hobby, explore old ideas, play with a kid and invite a friend out on a play date. These are awesome ways to stay engaged and connected without it being serious. Seek out the fun.