I am....

Confident.
a masterpiece.
Beautiful.
Graceful.
Smart.
Equipped.
Powerful.
Worthy.
Valuable.
Lovable.
Free.
Successful.
Happy.
Becoming healthier everyday.
Abundant.
Motivated.
Positive.
A influential thought leader.
A great strategist.
Creative.
A swimmer.
Burning fat and losing weight.
In LOVE.
Meeting men who want to date me.
Enjoying my life.
Bringing in multiple streams of income.
Great at what I do.
Passionate.
Open.
Feminine.
Comfortable in my skin.
Capable.
Home.
Savvy businesswoman.
Forgiven.
Able to talk to my spirit guardians.
Able to have full body orgasms.
Able to support myself and travel on a whim.
Able to astral travel.
Growing.
Healing.
Authentic.
Love.

Ride in the Banana Boat

I am that Island that people say you aren't!

I don't apologize for my self-centeredness.
In my world, self-centeredness is the key to world peace and lack of ego-tripping.

The question is if you were stranded on an island, would that be a bad thing? Grab a glass of freshly squeezed juice and enjoy all the creative stuff this site has to offer. Oh, and I LOVE feedback on my projects (this is necessary to get better and be GREAT!)

Introducing "Being Victorious..."

I am happy to announce my new vlog series called "Being Victorious..." where I will share my life, the risks I take and the lessons I learn to the world. I hope that videos inspire, motivate and encourage you to make every moment count as you live. My goal is to find my passion and to just do things without months of planning (procrasination). I have to be okay with NOT knowing and just DO it. I use to always say that I was standing on the edge of a cliff afraid to jump and I just needed someone to push me cause I believe I would fly but the fear of the what if scared me too much. Enjoy the introduction video and post your homework! Welcome to the life of "Being Victorious..."

Almost

Can you smell my insecurity when I walk into the room? I often wonder if it comes in different shapes and forms but maybe you have the sensitivity of acknowledging auras. I lean foward in wonderment,so tell me is there truly a slash in my aura? You look a bit perplexed at this sudden question but please excuse me when I'm unsure of where I stand I speak off the top of my head. I thank the frail looking waiter as he pulls the chair out so I can sit down. Its a bit of an awkward moment and definitely not the graceful event I imagine in my dreams. Even in the darkness of your skin I can see a tinge of embarassment spread across your cheeks. My thighs brush the table causing it to tip your Coors Light over. I reach quickly to catch it but the sleeve of my shirt gets caught in the flicker of the candle. At this point my arms are waving in every direction and the purse I was carrying has smacked a tray out of another waiter's hand. Food is flying everywhere and someone has thrown a glass of water my way, missing its target completely but right in my face. The frail waiter is still holding the chair in shock as I step from the table and grab a pitcher of water from a nearby table and extinguish my shirt. I curse myself because I planned to take the shirt back. I only bought it to impress you during our first meeting. As my arm blisters I look around the room with tears in my eyes. Spilled food and drinks pointing accusatory in my direction. You remain seated and I as look at you your eyes look down immediately in shame. I take a deep breathe and whisper I'm sorry as I walk out of the restaurant. If you didn't know I was insecure I made sure you got a one act play of the severity of it. Sadly, you never come out to comfort me or reassure me thus allowing me to remain fearful of being me.

Sunday's Juice

Garden Update

My garden gets way more than 6 hours of direct sun so I am constantly watering to the point of wanting to give up on it at times. I have gone sometimes days without watering out of sheer frustration but then I feel awful and return to provide it some water.

I've watched the heat burn the potential of my crooked neck squash. I had one growing and then the next day it was GONE! I don't know if a bird plucked it off or if the heat retarded it to the point of disappearing. Nonetheless, squash plant is looking pretty dismal right now. Not even sure it can be savaged at this point.

My beets are still hanging in there although I've peeked and noticed the bulb is tiny and not really growing so I might just be eating the greens.

I also noticed that my bell peppers are surviving as well as the cayenne plant. I was surprised today during watering when I actually saw the beginnings of peppers.

Character Observation

I'm reading a book called "Cry baby" by Fay Cunningham and there is a development between the main character, Gina and a male character Adam.

There is an obvious passion between the 2, which Gina is fighting hard. She enjoys the sex with Adam but then feeling guilty for "giving in" to him. Why is it "giving in" if you gain pleasure from it? I am finding myself wanting to shake her at times because she requires so much from him yet refuses to give him a break. The guy went to cover a story in Iraq and she gave him grief about not contacting her, after hearing his reason, she felt he could have at least texted her. WTF?! It's clear that she has had some awful relationships in the past and is making Adam pay for all of them. Does she sound familiar?

There is a point in the story when they have sex and she starts to think that he is using her for sex and could have at least texted her a "thank you" and when she does check her phone, he had. She immediately finds another fault instead of being happy with the guy.

I'm not sure if it was the writer's intent to make the character so annoying towards her intimate relationship with this guy but it is working. As I've been studying relationship's paradigms, I certainly see how her behavior is sabotaging and setting her up for the let down she is expecting.

Why not let the past be the past and help each man create a pleasing story moment for moment? If you are busy with your career and know the man is busy with his as well yet when he is with you, you are his focus, what's the problem? Expectations breed disappointment time and time again.

Be happy in the moment!

Thai Basil

Flowering thai basil which means its going to seed. I hope to save the seeds so I can plant them later. I'm going to clip the leaves off and do something special with them.

Crooked neck Squash

My squash plant has loads of females just waiting to mate with males. We can eat the male flower and most tempura it. The leaves are super soft and the stems are delicate.

First fruit!

The first fruit from my recently attacked plant.

Newest Garden Woe

I swear tomato plants are so special! So for a few weeks I've noticed a "dust" on the leaves. I know sometimes they tell you not to wet plant leaves so I was a bit hesitant. I also started noticing the leaves turning yellow and slumping. I began asking around and looking for interventions to save my plant.

I was talking to a colleague who had been telling me to watch out for hornworms, which I haven't seen yet. But she was telling me that if the leaves are moist yet drooping then I'm over watering and of course if they are crispy then not getting enough water. So, I noticed a bit of both on the plant which I I thought meant I wasn't being consistent with my watering (If I don't water daily then its every other day).

This weekend the leaves were looking pretty bad so I thought well maybe they need a bigger space to grow. I went out and purchased 2-5 gallon buckets and some tomato fertilizer and transplanted them into the buckets. I trimmed the branches and gave them a good watering and felt like I had fixed the problem.

I also decided to use a water bottle to slowly water one of my plants that is always slumping and just regularly water the other one. Today, I went out on the balcony and I hadn't watered the one plant yet because the soil was still wet BUT ALL the leaves were drooping and yellow. I moved in for a closer look and noticed them tiny red critters running across the leaves. I was mortified!!!!!

I've since researched it and found out that my poor tomato plant is being attacked my spider mites. The dust on the leaves was a sign because it was actually webs. So, I may have cause this with inconsistent watering and/or given the plant too much nitrogen (I was adding plant food weekly).

I'm gonna try to savage my plant and have since watered the leaves and sprayed it with some stuff I bought when the cabbage loopers were noticed. I've also quarantined it because I have all my tomato plants near each other.

My first garden pest mystery - SOLVED

My First Garden tour

Gardening Seed Inventory

I went out to find some seeds to help one of my colleagues start their garden and when I got home I pulled out all my seeds and realized I had A LOT and even duplicates of some. So today, I will list my inventory for my sake. Beet, Excaliber Brussels Sprouts, Catskill Carrot, Scarlet Nantes Cauliflower, Snowball X Chinese Cabbage, Michihli Cucumber, National Pickling Cucumber, Organic Sumter Lettuce, Buttercrunch Mustard Greens, Florida Broadleaf Onion, Evergreen Long White Bunching Onion, Southport White Globe Pea, Cascadia Pepper, California Wonder Pepper, Organic Cali Wonder 300TMR Red Bell Pepper, Organic Cal Wonder (2pks) Spinach, Bloomsdale Spinach Mustard, Tendergreen Squash, Organic Black Beauty (Zucchini) Squash, Fordhook Zucchini (Summer) Squash, Straightneck Early Yellow Squash, Winter Spaghetti Swiss Chard, Technicolor Mix Tomato, Red Cherry (Large Fruited) Tomato, Yellow Pear After going through the seeds, I came up with an idea. I will sell starter gardening kits. Let me know if you are interested.

The Thirst

It started out innocently enough, until my craving turned insatiable. Walking down the street has become torturous as I see potential preys within an arms length away. There was a time when this need was given to me daily and often, like a baby having regular feedings and then in a blink of an eye it was rationed out.

Every day I go without, I feel less pliable, I am changing.

I walk pass a group of kids with my hands stuffed in my pockets, they stop and stare as their ball rolls in my direction. I slow down, this is my chance. I look around and wonder if they can see that I am thirsty. The hairs on my arm stand at attention as the youngest child moves closer. My heart beat skips and the street sounds dissipates into a frantic, high speed drumming in my ears. I pull my hands out of my pocket and can no longer see straight as I bend down searching.

A soft breeze hits my face when the youngest grabs the ball and steps back mumbling “Sorry”. The blood drains from my face and my vision clears up to the reality. I stand up, run my hands over my mouth and quickly stuff them back in my pockets as I scurry away.

Each missed opportunity, I become a stone gargoyle guarding the entrance of all things soft and light.

I stare at my computer screen which is full of pictures of prospects. I could ask someone out on a date, something simple like coffee at Starbucks cause dudes are so cheap these days. I replied to one who looked interesting enough and waited for his reply. I swear I never get a word in edge wise and have long given up thinking these calls were about me.

This house needs some heat cause my heart is becoming an icebox.

As I sat over my second cup of chai it’s evident that dude peeked in and decided to stand me up. Fucker! He doesn’t know how lucky he is. I stand up and robotically walk towards the door when in walks an old colleague who I hadn’t seen in ages. She catches me off guard and hugs me tight.

I become soft as play dough, her touch was like a cold glass of water in the hot sun. I felt every atom in my body sigh in relief. My skin was hungry for touch and I am satiated for now.

Perfect Peace by Daniel Black

The story was set in a small town in Arkansas in the 1950s. A mother's yearning for a daughter causes her to do the unthinkable after giving birth to her seventh son. She decides to raise the son as a girl, who she names Perfect. The Peace family is special and gifted yet the times force them to work hard and walk the straight and narrow until they can't any longer. The emotions this books evokes and the depth of the characters make it surprisingly believable.

My heart went out to Perfect when the truth was revealed because of how raw and harsh it was. I couldn't even begin to imagine how confusing it was to find out who you thought you were was nothing but a lie. And most of all, for everyone to know because all the ribbons, dresses and frills have been stripped away. Perfect went from being loved and adored and treated special to being ridiculed, talked about and treated as if he was a freak. No longer perfect, now he must navigate through gender issues, sexuality, and societal values to become the man he was born to be.

Emma Jean, the mother, had her own demons that she dealt with as a woman and it reflected on her relationship with her husband, Gus and her children. She truly felt that having a daughter would give her a chance to prove her worth as well as allow her to relive a childhood she didn't have. Overall, she was a miserable woman who never grew up or let go of her past pains to see the pains she caused to those who loved her the most.

The writing technique mostly focused on the present moment yet, there were a few times when dealing with the brothers that the author gave an overview of how/where their life proceeds once they leave the house, almost as a rites of passage since they were no longer "main" characters, even though they remained within the present storyline just not as prominent. Interesting technique!

Back at it...

No point in attempting to get caught up. Much has happened yet this is normal in my book of life.

I have been contemplating what happiness means to me and focusing on making moves towards living a life that honors this moment for moment. In this pursuit to live my best life, I realize that I also have to learn what makes me tick and allow myself to jump off the edge so I can truly fly.

I do know that I have to work on how I feel about how others feel about me. I am not perfect but I enjoy being and doing me without explanation. Deep down it pains me when I have to explain my behavior or decisions.

I plan on writing a few letters to people today. I figure as much as I LOVE mail someone else has to love it as well. Plus I need to reach out more and maintain the few relationship I have.

The Courage to be Myself

The Courage to be Myself
I have the courage to...
Embrace my strengths
Get excited about life
Enjoy giving and receiving love
Face and transform my fears
Ask for help and support when I need it
Spring free of the Superwoman trap
Trust myself
Make my own decisions and choices
Befriend myself
Complete unfinished business
Realize that I have emotional and practical rights
Talk as nicely to myself as I do to my plants
Communicate lovingly with understanding as my goal
Honor my own needs
Give myself credit for my accomplishments
Love the little girl within me
Overcome my addiction to approval
Grant myself permission to play
Quit being a responsibility sponge
Feel all of my feelings and act on them appropriately
Nurture others because I want to, not because I have to
Choose what is right for me
Insist on being paid fairly for what I do
Set limits and boundaries and stick by them
Say "yes" only when I really mean it
Have realistic expectations
Take risks and accept change
Grow through challenges
Be totally honest with myself
Correct erroneous beliefs and assumptions
Respect my vulnerabilities
Heal old and current wounds
Favor the mystery of Spirit
Wave good-bye to guilt
Plant "flower," not "weed" thoughts in my mind
Treat myself with respect and teach others to do the same
Fill my own cup first, then nourish others from the overflow
Own my own excellence
Plan for the future but live in the present
Value my intuition and wisdom
Know that I am lovable
Celebrate the differences between men and women
Develop healthy, supportive relationships
Make forgiveness a priority
Accept myself just as I am now

Taken from a poster in my old room at my dad's by sue patton thoele

Foodie Inspired!

(Pre-Clean Eating Plate)
I’ve been thinking about going to culinary school for quite sometime now however, I’m on the last leg of receiving my Masters in Industrial Organizational Psychology. I recently found a website that links all food bloggers together and boy did it inspire me! I don’t necessarily HAVE to go to culinary school to be a cook. I admit I have this subconscious tickler that likes to strike experiences off the list though.

I’ve learned years ago, how relaxing cooking makes me and I even attributed LOVE to me WANTING to share my food with another person. During my stint in Asia, when I traveled I collected recipes and cooking techniques instead of the typical souvenir. It was beautiful and delicious! I think last year, I started withholding that I COULD cook to men I dated until I felt they deserved to know that piece of info. Why would I do this? Well, I found that men would stick around much longer for the homecooked meal (compliments to the chef but what about the women, I digress).

Growing up, I had an aversion to cooking maybe because my stepmom always linked MARRIAGE to it. The feminist in me was not feeling that idea at ALL however, this feminist learned to cook for HERSELF. I realized she LOVED it!!!

Today, I spent an hour chopping up veggies and bagging them for easy assess. I am salivating at the thought of making Panang curry tomorrow over a bed of brown rice. As a foodie, I am also working on being a clean eater so it challenges me to re-think the things I swoon over and figure out how to make them clean. I would like to be more creative and adventurous as a cook so I have some ways to stretch my culinary skills.

What is your favorite food?

The State of Matrimony

Throughout my life, I have had a few differing ideals to marriage. Before, I address them I would like let the record show what I saw in my life of relationships.

My parents were married because it was the RIGHT thing to do since my mom had gotten pregnant. They didn't last long cause I don't have a memory of them ever being together. My dad remarried while my mom married and divorced. My paternal grandparents have been married forever and a day and my maternal grandmother has been married twice.

I grew up seeing people love real hard or holding back and not being successful. I only dreamed of the wedding because all the other girls were doing it. I talked about the man I would marry, how many kids we would have and where/how we would live yet it never resonated deep in my soul as a necessity for my happiness.

I secretly felt that marriage was a type of bondage that stole from people. I remember watching women's wrestling before I realized it was fake and being fascinated by the power thus saying I would marry a weak man who I could jack-up against the wall and make him do as I say. (Yes, I was kinda crazy...lol) After her second marriage, my mom confirmed my secret feeling by telling me that in love/marriage you lose a part of yourself. So, I didn't really want a weak man I just knew I would have to fight to be and keep ME.

I questioned my femininity because I didn't feel like the girls did about marriage so in my militant self-defined feminism I resorted to saying I would only get married if I could have both a husband AND a wife. Although, I could never truly imagine being married to a woman...too emotionally needy for me (I'm the only one allowed to be overly emotional in relationship).

I've never really imagined a wedding, a dress or even the cake. I think about being embarrassed about kissing and showing all that affection in public even among intimate company. I have avoided being in weddings by opting to be the Mistress of Ceremony ensuring their dream is fulfilled.

Sadly, I've seen how things change once people marry and even how cheating continues. So, what's the point in getting married? This confuses me deeply. I'm the type who struggles with moving forward if I'm perplexed by a step in the process.

I totally understand people when they say they are single until they say "I do" too bad, even some married folks think they still are. I'm a loyalist so even though there is no ring on his hand, I won't give him the time of the day if I know he is in a exclusive dating relationship (despite it ALL I'm a major romantic and I love love).

Could I marry for benefits? I'd consider but there are so many other things to factor in. Would I marry to help someone become an American? I had this proposed to me once but again the factors.

Ultimately, I don't think marriage is for everyone however, society puts pressure on people to do so instead of just living their lives in a love that works for them. I would be fine with a life partner that believed in a lifelong commitment without succumbing to the traditions of marriage just because. We would do it because we felt deeply affected by NOT doing it and believed we wouldn't take pieces of self from each other.
Grow and evolve with me for the betterment of all,

V.