The State of Matrimony

Throughout my life, I have had a few differing ideals to marriage. Before, I address them I would like let the record show what I saw in my life of relationships.

My parents were married because it was the RIGHT thing to do since my mom had gotten pregnant. They didn't last long cause I don't have a memory of them ever being together. My dad remarried while my mom married and divorced. My paternal grandparents have been married forever and a day and my maternal grandmother has been married twice.

I grew up seeing people love real hard or holding back and not being successful. I only dreamed of the wedding because all the other girls were doing it. I talked about the man I would marry, how many kids we would have and where/how we would live yet it never resonated deep in my soul as a necessity for my happiness.

I secretly felt that marriage was a type of bondage that stole from people. I remember watching women's wrestling before I realized it was fake and being fascinated by the power thus saying I would marry a weak man who I could jack-up against the wall and make him do as I say. (Yes, I was kinda crazy...lol) After her second marriage, my mom confirmed my secret feeling by telling me that in love/marriage you lose a part of yourself. So, I didn't really want a weak man I just knew I would have to fight to be and keep ME.

I questioned my femininity because I didn't feel like the girls did about marriage so in my militant self-defined feminism I resorted to saying I would only get married if I could have both a husband AND a wife. Although, I could never truly imagine being married to a woman...too emotionally needy for me (I'm the only one allowed to be overly emotional in relationship).

I've never really imagined a wedding, a dress or even the cake. I think about being embarrassed about kissing and showing all that affection in public even among intimate company. I have avoided being in weddings by opting to be the Mistress of Ceremony ensuring their dream is fulfilled.

Sadly, I've seen how things change once people marry and even how cheating continues. So, what's the point in getting married? This confuses me deeply. I'm the type who struggles with moving forward if I'm perplexed by a step in the process.

I totally understand people when they say they are single until they say "I do" too bad, even some married folks think they still are. I'm a loyalist so even though there is no ring on his hand, I won't give him the time of the day if I know he is in a exclusive dating relationship (despite it ALL I'm a major romantic and I love love).

Could I marry for benefits? I'd consider but there are so many other things to factor in. Would I marry to help someone become an American? I had this proposed to me once but again the factors.

Ultimately, I don't think marriage is for everyone however, society puts pressure on people to do so instead of just living their lives in a love that works for them. I would be fine with a life partner that believed in a lifelong commitment without succumbing to the traditions of marriage just because. We would do it because we felt deeply affected by NOT doing it and believed we wouldn't take pieces of self from each other.
Grow and evolve with me for the betterment of all,

V.

Being a Professional Student

Last year in June, I began pursuing my Masters in Industrial Organizational Psychology with an online program through the Chicago School of Professional Psychology. I was nervous since I had been out of school for twelve years but felt that if I waited another year I wouldn't return even though I didn't feel that online studies would work for me.

My first few weeks, I was a bit confused not by the material but by my resistance to the entire experience. One, I felt like I was in solitary confinement with sensory deprivation. I wasn't hearing, feeling anything through the vast amount of reading that I had paddle through. I love to read but not everything. Second, the first couple of class yielded very little instructor participation so to me it was the blind leading the blind. I didn't like this concept at all and made me question what my tuition was paying for. Third, I've never been the type to feel it necessary to speak because however, the graded discussions require you and all your classmates to answer the same question and then reply to atleast one to three with significant contributions to the thread. I understand the idea but honestly, I lose most of my points because I hate being redundant, searching for something significant to add and speaking for grade sake. Lastly, the material makes some sense but not enough to ease my nerves since I've never worked in the field so my applied lesson always seem very bare-bones compared to my colleagues (yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others).

I've taken loads of assessments from MBTI, DISc to 360 Feedback and have learn much about myself however, I think the exceleration of the program along with life prohibits me from internalizing the information.

I'm pushing through school as best I can (Class 2011), thankful that I don't have kids to add to my mental obligations. I hope it will all make sense one day though but I've always wanted a Masters in this field so I'm in it to win it. Working full time adds an additional dimension to going to school.

What would I do with the degree? Well, my dream job is to be a dream maker and help other reach their goals yet I would love to work a few years at the Center for Creative Leadership since leadership and organizational effectiveness is my specialization.

The Problem with Positivity

The law of attraction aka the secret stays in the forefront of my mind as I watch and listen to people talk about what it has done for them. I have a pal who had a man whisper to her he knew the "secret" and it sent her on a uplifting journey in her life. She is truly doing the damn thang! I'm proud of her for living the secret and like that she keeps it real.

I use to have another pal who I met when I first moved to New York. We met at the library in a career workshop and the thing that bugged me about her the most was how positive she was. I just that the extreme of it was surreal and she had to be overcompensating for something. I let her go because I saw her truth and my gut was right.

The problem with positivity is that any other emotion becomes a weakness in the eye of the beholder. Honestly, I don't believe a person can be positive all day everyday yet in my quest for personal emotional balance, I seek happiness. In that world, I am positive but I'm also vulnerable enough to show ALL of myself.

The problem with positivity is the state of perfection it puts on a person. I typically get down on myself about things and as I've been told before "We have enough critics to not be our cheerleader." Even they aren't perfect but they look good trying. They fall from the top of a pyramid, cry a bit and then try again with either trust or trepidation.

The problem with positivity is negativity. You must not think or even worse speak about the cons instead live in Pollyanna's world. This wrong, I guess as a Libra I believe is weighing my options, the good and bad before I jump into a situation. For some, they would say I lack faith and I would reply "blind faith" is how Jim Jones got hundreds of people to move away from their families and drink the kool-aid. Others will say, to obsess on life's cons is to plant retarded seeds into the universe.

Maybe, but a balance must be struck between positivity and being authentic. People shouldn't appear hyprocritical for stating the facts on a situation that is not in the best interest the individual OR even feeling anything but positive in this moment. Sadly, unless I'm missing the silver lining, its not there.

Is there a place for negative feelings in the world of positivity?

Glistening,

Vicx